Losing A Loved One, But Gaining More Love…

It’s been a while since I last wrote to all of you, hasn’t it? A lot has gone on since my last post, so I guess I should catch you up before I really get into this. Let’s start with the fact I have moved out of my house and I’m currently sleeping on my friend’s couch until I move into my new apartment on August 20th. That’s probably the most exciting thing going on! I can’t wait to live in my own place! NO RULES BUT MY OWN! It’s a fresh start that I need. The next two things going on is that I recently had a friend pass away and I sort of got run over by a car door. You probably have a lot of concerns and questions, don’t worry this post will address what I have just said. This post is needed for me, because I finally feel ready to talk about everything instead of keeping it in. Let’s go…

**Disclaimer: This post will probably be very long**

I want to start with my friend Eric. Eric passed away July 19th, 2015 in a car accident. I received the news from my god sister via text while I was at the gym. At that moment, like his family and friends, everything sort of stopped. I couldn’t processes what I had read, but the next thing I knew I was sobbing in the middle in the gym. My mind went straight to one word, one name, Troy.

Let me catch you up. Troy is Eric’s older brother and he is also my close friend who I dated when we were in middle school. Troy and I have always had an interesting yet entertaining friendship but I cherish every moment of it. I love him to pieces, he has always been there for me in ways I don’t even think he knows. So Troy, Eric, my god brother, god sister and I all grew up together and hung out whenever my family drove the four hours to get to their house. I always remember Eric laughing at me for having a crush on Troy and I always had the urge to punch him in the face if I ever found out that he told Troy. Mind you, this was after Troy and I stopped dating (ah teenage awkward romance). Anyways, we’ve all been friends throughout the years and shared many memories. Troy and Eric turned into those brothers for me who where always excited to see you and was always full of life and love.

Troy (14), My God Sister (15), Myself (14)
Eric (13) & My God Sister (15)

It’s also worth mentioning that Troy and Eric got all of their “live your life to the fullest” and lasting love from their mother and father. Let me tell you, I’ve never felt so love by parents that when they had met me for the first time, they were ready to have me sing karaoke with them in their living room and began treating me as one of their own. Wanna know why Troy and Eric are amazing loving people, look no further than their parents. So this as you can see is why all I could think about when I received the news was Troy, and his family.

Long story short, I went that weekend to see Troy and his family. Here’s where I haven’t really told anyone about how I felt during this trip. Before I knocked on their door, I was hit with anxiety. I hadn’t seen Troy and his family for years, especially since college has taken all of our time away. I’ve always remained in contact with Troy, texting and calling when we could. And with Eric, it would be some Facebook posts every now and then. But physically, I hadn’t seen them in quite some time. I was a bit scared, scared because I wasn’t sure if I should even be there. They were going through this terrible tragedy and here I was basically having this reunion with them that no one would be happy for because well, a vital person in our lives is gone. How could we all be happy when the circumstances weren’t? This thought ran through me faster than blood goes through your veins, and yet I knocked and the door opened.

It was a lovely visit with Troy and his parents (as good a visit can get considering). We talked about Eric, we caught up in each others lives ( I met Troy’s girl friend who I absolutely adore), we had a few cries and laughs, and we ate a lot of Edible Arrangements. I love cantaloupe but after that visit, I don’t want to look at it again. Troy and I had some time alone to catch up, talk about Eric and honestly being around him again was something I wasn’t aware I needed, but man was it needed. It further proved that some friendships can stand the test of time and anything life throws. Before I left, I had one on one talks with Troy’s mother and father. They told me that no matter what, we should all keep living our lives fully the way Eric had, and that it’s okay to cry now and then when it hits us. But to remember life moves on, and we will always hurt but Eric is with God and we should find comfort in that. We’d see him again, and you know what? I believe whole heartedly in that.

During my trip, I wanted to be strong and be there for Eric’s family and my god brother and sister. I wanted them to physically (and emotionally) know I am here and will always be there for them. That hasn’t and will never change. But during the trip, I didn’t really think about how this is effecting me. Which at that time wasn’t important, Troy and his parents were the ones who are important. But when I got home, reality hit me and it hit hard.

I got home not upset but angry. Furious was more like it, and I was furious at Eric. While I’m aware that what happened was an accident and wasn’t Eric’s fault, I was angry at him for dying. How could he leave us like that? How could he leave his parents and give them a pain no parent should ever have to go through? How could he leave his brother? Troy and Eric have always been close, I’ve never seen two siblings love each other the way they did. How could Eric do this to them? How could he just leave us when he was meant to be there for all of our big life events? It just wasn’t fair and I was angry. I spent hours in my room, staring up at the ceiling yelling at him. I knew it was pointless to be angry at Eric and probably unfair of me but I couldn’t help it. And worst of all, I became extremely angry at myself. Troy, his parents, and my god siblings were hurting, hurting in a way that a hug, or a card, or a “I’m sorry” couldn’t fix. And the thing is, I so badly wanted to fix this. If anything I wanted to take their hurt from them and keep it to myself so they wouldn’t have to have it. I wanted to switch places with Eric so they could have him again, which also doesn’t solve anything because they would hurt just the same with me gone. But I’d do it, I’d switch because if there’s anyone who deserved a long and wonderful life, it was Eric, and if I could give that to him I’d gladly do so. With my loved ones, I never want them to be hurt by anything, I want them to all be happy and that rings true for this family. I felt so helpless, how could I not help the family who has done nothing but love me? They were hurting and I couldn’t do a thing. I’m still beating myself up about this.

It’s almost going to be a month since Eric has left us, I still find myself crying out of no where and laughing at certain things that make me think of him and Troy. We all have these bracelets with Eric’s name on it. I was going to take it off a few weeks ago but for some reason I can’t. I’m not ready, I feel like if I do, it’s real. Which doesn’t make sense because I’ve seen Eric’s urn, but no I’m not ready to accept it. There’s a part of me that feels like a horrible person for writing how I feel about all of this because what is my pain of this loss anything compared to Troy’s and his parents? How dare I write how hurt I am, when it’s not anything near theirs. But I haven’t told people how I’ve felt and a bit before I began writing this, I was showering and I broke down. It’s all been bottling up and I knew I needed to get it out in some way.

So here it is, my jumbled feelings about losing a friend. But I regained, or at least was reminded, that I have a loving family with Troy and his parents. It still hurts, and I keep repeating what his parents told me about it getting better even though that hole will still be there. I just pray it happens, for all of us.

In a less depressing but still a “oh my god” topic, I hurt my leg earlier this month. Like really bad, let’s look at some disgusting photos shall we?

IMG_4555 IMG_4565IMG_4567

Ugly right? I basically have a contusion on my left leg. Which means it’s a bruise that goes deep in my muscle that hurts like a b***h! To try and keep this blog from being a novel, my friend’s car’s emergency break went off and the car rolled back knocking my friend down and myself on her causing the car door (which was opened) to run me over. Thus, the bruise! My friend is fine, she got a tiny bruise since I took most of it. My bruise is still healing but doesn’t hurt currently unless I do squats. This incident still has me a bit shaken up. Everything happened pretty fast and all I remember thinking was “get away from the wheel” and “Eric”. This happened a few days after I got home from seeing Troy and everyone. I cried a lot more from the fear of what happened than the pain. I’m very happy and thankful no one broke any bones or died but it was very scary. My sister said Eric was probably with me which is why it wasn’t worse. For one, I was wearing the bracelet with his name on it, and when we got to the ER the doctor to see me was named Eric. So if it was Eric’s way of looking out for me, I’m thankful. He probably now knows how accident prone I am and is probably shaking his head at me from heaven. Sorry man!

But this is how my past month has been going. I’m having a lot of ups and down but I’m still trying to sort everything out and do my best. I hope all of this was easy to understand, I just needed a safe space to write how I was feeling.

Anyways, I hope all of you are doing well if you’ve read this far and I’ll write again soon.


PS. Eric’s family would appreciate donations in Eric’s memory to WaterForSmallVillages.org (non-profit, 501c (3) co-founded by Rick Miessau, Steve Krupa, Aimond Alexis), this is something that is and was important for Eric and his family.