I Can’t Breath…

Hi, I’m sorry that this post won’t be happy. Especially since the last post I made wasn’t one of great joy either. Life’s just been….well life. I’m laying on my floor writing this post as a way to A) avoid writing my last paper for my last final of the semester and B) I’ve realized today that I’m not doing well. Let me try and explain.

So since my last post, life has been for the most part really great. I’ve made new friends, made new memories, had amazing milestones because of my YouTube Channel. GUYS. I WAS ON THE RADIO!! How cool is that? I’m just having a really good time cruising through the latter part of 2015. But today, something changed. I woke up feeling heavy, like something heavy is weighing down on my lungs and I’m struggling to breath. It went away for a bit as I prepared for my Japanese final (which I did well on I might add), but after it hit me again. I feel heavy, I feel sad and I don’t have a clue why. I have the urge to separate myself from people again, which I’m not. I’m still talking to my friends, or attempting to since they are really busy with finals and can’t talk.

I think that’s why I’m writing this, I’m upset and there are two people I really want to talk to about this because I know it’ll help but they are busy with finals. So on one hand, I’m angry and upset that they can’t spend a moment to talk to me so I can work through what’s happening (or that they don’t even notice how bad I am right now), which is extremely selfish and childish. Which leads me to feeling extremely guilty for choosing my needs over my friends’. And on the other hand, I don’t want to bother them with my problems. These feelings will go away soon enough, and I don’t want them to know but then I do…see this is confusing.

All I know is that I feel like I can’t breathe, I feel like I might break down any moment and all I want is to talk to this person because they make me feel safe. Safe enough to tell them what’s going on. Hopefully we can talk soon.

Well, this helped a bit I suppose. I guess I should be getting back to finishing this paper. Sorry that this post doesn’t make a whole lot of sense (it does to me though), but it was nice to write something down other than the debate of whether Shinto is native to Japan.

-Andrea Lausell