I Feel Isolated Within My Own Family…

I fall for it every time. I just got off the phone with my sisters. It was a good conversation for the first half, and then they started (like they always do) bashing me. They bashed my sexuality and the fact I feel free to express it, they bashed my knowledge on what I’m getting my degree in because they think their one class makes them more of an expert than my many years of studying, they bashed me on me identifying as a abled-passing disabled women of color, only because they don’t understand ableism, labels (how labels can sometimes be harmful yet so helpful and powerful when used correctly) and how the disabled community is still considered less than in society, and how it’s really empowering for myself personally to be able to finally say out loud that I am in fact disabled (which is funny because although one of my sisters says she’s not disabled and she doesn’t want that label, which is fine because she’s allowed NOT to identify with it, for the sake of her making me feel bad (and win her argument) she used the sentence “I can say this because I’m disabled”, um what? You’re completely disregarding the fact that you are also talking to someone who is disabled.) And then they reminded me that because I can’t financially be there for my nephews and I won’t be able to visit because I’m moving in the summer to set up my life, that I don’t love my nephews (mind you they said this again in ear range of my nephews). It’s hurtful, but the fact that I’m upset about all of this, in their eyes means I’m too sensitive and I need to get over it. It’s always two against one, I’m sick of it. I wish I had the confidence to stand up for myself to them, and to be able to articulate my beliefs without stumbling over my words or being talked over. I wish I had someone on my side to help me. I hate how isolating I feel within my own family.
I kind wished I had loving, supportive sisters that occasionally gets into fights with me over stupid stuff like clothes or food. Not ones that act as if my very own existence is a burden to everyone including them.

“I’m Not Racist, But…”

When your white friends say they’re not racist, transphobic, homophobic, etc. yet every other thing they say is problematic and they refuse to learn and understand the problems minorities and people of color like myself have to go through. When they know #BlackLivesMatter through a FOXNEWS light, so they don’t actually understand what the movement is about and how it’s not about police hate. When they don’t understand why we have a Black History Month and how important it is. When they don’t understand that the media is portraying Muslims as terrorists and how dangerous that is. When they go around saying the Eurocentric names they want for their children, yet my sister is strange for naming her beautiful Latino children Guillermo and Manolo. When they expect me to be able to pronounce these white names and words perfectly, yet they can’t take the time to learn to say my family’s names and words within my culture because “it’s too hard”. Or maybe you didn’t want to try hard enough? When they call people retarded, use ableist language or don’t get why people with disabilities should be viewed as equal (especially when they know me, a disabled woman, am I not equal?). When they say a woman is ugly and she’s trashy only because she’s showing her sexuality the way a man would, how they say the feminist movement is to hate men. When in reality feminism not only helps women by fighting the patriarchy, it helps men as well by fighting the same patriarchy that hurts them. It’s frustrating as hell because they refuse to learn and understand, they refuse to recognize that they have privilege and that doesn’t mean they didn’t experience their own struggle, it just means they’ve never faced the systematic oppression many people of color face on a daily basis.

They refuse to grow, and change with a country that so desperately needs change. It makes me fear for my baby sobrinos, it makes me fear to bring children in this world knowing they might be hated because they’re Latino like their mother. It brings me fear that I know people with these thoughts and they’re right around my corner. Yet sadly, this kind of fear they’ll never understand simply because they refuse to.

When I do return…

I know I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been so distracted with college and YouTube and an upcoming audition. But I promise I’ll come back. Writing on here has helped. But I like to write long, thought out posts here and right now I feel like I can only write short thoughts. Which I’ve created a side tumblr for myself to get these short thoughts out.

But I’m going to California next month, and that means plane rides where I’m left to my thoughts and writing. So prepare, when I return, I will have a lot to say.